Struggles

The past two months have certainly been a whirlwhind of insanity here in the Herron household. From my last post through New Year's at least one of us was sick at all times, usually two of us at a time. Logan and I passed the same cold back and forth twice I think, but last week I finally went to the doctor and got some antibiotics for my never-ending sinus infection and that has definitely helped. Work in retail during Christmastime was absolute insanity for Tim, of course, and then the last week of the month was CRAZY at my work too, trying to close out month-end and year-end financials. It felt good to be a part of such a good "real" job though, to be THANKED for my hard work and to be given catered lunches at least 4 times in the month of December because I have such an awesome boss. What a 180 degree turn around from my work situation at Christmastime last year!

So the past couple of weeks things have been slowly settling back into a normal routine and to be honest, it hasn't been great for me. You would think that more time to relax would be helpful, but in Mickie-land, it is more time to stew on my own inner thoughts. I am sure most of you can guess, that is a very dangerous thing. I have been trying to wrestle my proclivity towards depression down to a manageable level over and over again since Logan was born. For a while, I can keep it mostly under control, but sometimes, it just comes roaring back and takes over my mind for weeks at a time. I have had the same problem with anger at times, but lately the depression has been much more of an issue. When I get this way, I am very inclined to curl up in my little invisible shell within myself and shut myself off from everyone around me. And then I start to feel lonely and discouraged and then I get mad at God and the world for not making me feel happier and not sending more friends into my path. Or ANY friends in my local area, really. This issue keeps coming up for me again and again, but I don't know what to do about it. I am always torn between wallowing in self-pity and taking action to make things better. Some of you who read this may think that is pathetic, obviously I should get off my lazy butt and go make an effort to make friends, but it's just not that easy for me. I don't even know where to begin. I have thought about asking one of the other moms at Logan's daycare to hang out, but every time I rehearse it in my head it just sounds pathetic and lame. I mean, Logan and her little boy Alex are basically the best friends in their class, and I am pretty sure they would enjoy hanging out together on the weekend, but it just seems weird for me to ask Alex's mom out of the blue. I am such a nerd. And anything else I could do to make new friends, such as taking up a hobby or something has two problems: one, I have no idea what hobby to pick; and two, when do I have time for a hobby and money for a babysitter? So the whole lack of a close friend thing is really getting to me.

The other problem I have been having lately has been a building resentment towards church and God. I love the services at the church we have been attanding for the past 6 months or so, but I am really pissed about how hard they are making it for us to get to know anyone there. They don't do normal Sunday School (like most churches around here now); instead, they do "Life Groups" which meet at someones's house once a week. And they won't place you in a Life Group until you have taken their membership class, which they only offer once every six months, and we could not attend the October classes because they were during Logan's naptime each Sunday. The next class is in March, and who knows if that will fit into our schedule either. So now I am torn between beeing pissed off that we have been attending a church for 6 months and don't know a single person there, and thinking ok, maybe we are the problem, maybe we really need to make some extra effort to get involved by volunteering in the nursery or something. I have just hit the level of frustration now that I don't want to do anything.

Also, the past few weeks the sermons havee been covering the trials and tribulations of Paul, which has been really hard for me. I just can't reconcile my mind with the fact the God is supposed to be loving and compassionate and care about our every concern, yet he let Paul (and many other good Christians over the years) suffer repeatedly just for kicks. That doesn't even make sense. The pastor has been telling us that Paul knew that his earthly suffering was only temporary before experiencing eternal reward in heaven, but I am honestly getting skeptical at this point. I feel like no matter how earnestly I pray or how deep down in depression I get, God doesn't hear me or care that I am suffering. It's all some part of his mysterious "plan" that I suffer and be miserable for 15 years without him putting friends in my life to reach out to me at all. And I know all the comebacks on the other side of the argument too. I know the saying "God helps those who help themselves" and I can partially admit that yes, i need to try harder to find friends and hobbies and happiness in the small hings of daily life instead of expecting God to just rescue me all the time. But it is SO HARD. Every single day I wake up trying to figure out how to not snap at Logan when he gets on my nerves and not cry at my desk from stress and migraines and lack of sleep and self-hatred for the way I look and feel. I never wake up like Cinderella with birds singing and sunshine and a spring in my step. To me, that's not even real. I can't even imagine waking up feeling happy for more than one (fluke) day in a row. Is that really how God meant for me to live this life?? Even if this life IS temporary, that seems pretty horrible. I feel like happiness is always at the other end of the rainbow and I don't even know where the ladder is to get onto the rainbow in the first place. How is that some people are always able to see the positive in life and I NEVER can? Why do I always, always, ALWAYS struggle with controlling my finances, anger, depression, weight problems, etc, when some people seem to find happiness so easily?

Putting all of my weaknesses and problems out here on display may seem absolutely crazy to some of you, but I just don't care anymore. I have to get all of this out of my system and stop stewing on it internally where it is just making me sick. And the other part of it is that I can't stand superficiality. I am real and blunt and honest to the core. I don't know how anyone can make real connections in life WITHOUT sharing intimate details and hardships of their lives. How else can you process what you go through and make true friends?


In honor of my husband, I will end this post with the few good things that I can think of and be grateful for in my life right now.

good health
family nearby (mom, bro, sis)
food in the fridge
beautiful, smart baby boy
loving husband
working vehicles
decent place to live
great job and boss
godiva chocolate
a few good friends, even if we don't keep in touch very often
weekends and holidays off
my new laptop that I am typing on now
lots of toys and books and games for my little boy
good daycare for Logan

Hopefully I can keep adding to this list and TRY to focus on the positive. The only thing I can do is try...

Lyrics | Tenth Avenue North lyrics - Hold My Heart lyrics