what do i want to be when i grow up? ...i have no idea...
i want to be thinner
i want to be healthier
i want to be more hard-working (not so lazy)
i want to be someone my child can admire
i want to be a better mother
i want to be more patient
i want to be more positive
i want to be kinder
i want to accomplish great things, to leave some kind of legacy
but i don't know how.
i can't focus at work. at all. i have no motivation to better myself, or my marriage. staying where i am at in life is a miserable prospect, but changing seems like an insurmountable task. i want to be thin overnight. i want to shed my depression when i wake up tomorrow morning and never have to struggle against it again. i want to be patient and positive and forget the wrongs of my past. but as they say, nothing worth having is easily attained.
i am scared of the process of getting healthy and losing weight. i am scared i will lose a bunch of weight and still hate myself on the inside. still see the fat, ugly monster with the bad attitude in the mirror. i am scared of the challenge of maintaining a lower weight and continuing to struggle with food and exercise for the rest of my life. i am scared to look even more disgusting after weight loss due to all of the loose, sagging skin. i am so scared i can't even begin to try.
i am scared to have another child, but i am scared NOT to. How can our family be complete with only one baby? i get so angry when i see all the people online in the "one and done" groups.... and i feel a jealous rage boiling up inside me whenever i see friends on facebook posting about their second, third and fourth children. IT'S NOT FAIR! 5 years and two miscarriages later... and who am i? i have failed as a woman and a wife. and no one cares.
i feel so alone every day. i try to escape into tv, books, games, shopping and facebook bullshit... i ignore EVERYTHING just to be numb. i am constantly trying to distract myself from the pain inside, to escape from myself and my dissatisfaction with my life. i am so bored at work that i go crazy trying to make myself pay attention and do anything productive each day.
i hate that we are always so disorganized financially, and perpetually behind on our bills... i always feel this pressure inside to just explode or flee. but for no good reason. i have a loving husband, a wonderful son, a job that pays pretty well, a roof over my head, a car that is almost paid off... but still.... i just feel like my soul is twisting and turning in torture, trying to break free. of what, though?? i feel it, but i just don't understand it. i can't even begin to explain it to my husband or anyone else.
so i just curl up in my shell and hide from everything and everyone. i try to block out everything and just recede into my own mind. and the deeper i go, the longer i stay inside, the more unlikely it seems that i will ever be able to climb out.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
My brain is constantly racing, constantly filling up with ideas that seem to fall right out of my head when I am not paying attention. As I go about my day, I come up with all kinds of things to talk about in my blog, but when I actually sit down to write, I forget 90% of them. Then the other 10% I don’t know if should right about due to possibly controversies with the topic or with my opinion on the topic. Which brings us to….. "OH WELL, IT’S MY BLOG! I will say what I want to say!" :-P
Lately one of the most constant things I have had on my mind is (for obvious reasons) PARENTING. Sometimes I see and hear about things that other mothers (and fathers) do with/to/for their children and I think I know better, that I KNOW that they are doing something wrong. But then when I hit my high points of frustration with my own son, I fear I really know nothing, and sometimes even doubt that I am a good mother at all.
One thing that bothers me the most is the issue of nutrition. Granted, I am not an expert and I am definitely overweight myself, but I do have some basic skills concerning what I, and my baby, SHOULD eat. (Self-control is a whole other issue, lol). Every day, I make sure that Logan eats plenty of vegetables, plenty of fruits, some form of protein at every meal, and lots of milk and water to drink. I also try to limit his intake of empty carbs and sugar (i.e. juice and crackers). When I see parents feeding their kids fruit loops and juice all day long, it makes me crazy. Or when their child’s meal consists of only some fruit and noodles. Or just fries and soda at McDonalds. I just want to scream at them: "YOU IDIOT!! You are the reason America’s children are having a rising problem with obesity!!"
But then I look at Logan and see how chunky he is and I wonder what I am doing wrong. Like I said, I am trying so hard to make sure he eats balanced meals, but then he does get empty calories at snack-time Monday through Friday at daycare. Also, except for a few rare amazing instances, Logan has not slept through the night since he was about 10 months old (this is of course after waiting until he turned 4.5 months old to even START sleeping through the night in the first place – it was a lovely 5 and a half months while it lasted). So Logan goes to bed at 8:00pm every night, then lately he is up by 11:00pm screaming for a bottle, and we are lucky if he will go back down until 6:30am before wanting another bottle. We have just recently switched him completely to cow’s milk from formula, so at least that is a little bit lighter on the calories, but still! He gets two extra bottles a day that other kids his age are not drinking (I think). He shouldn’t even be taking one when he wakes up because they feed him breakfast at 8am at the daycare, PLUS he is taking that extra one in the middle of the night. I just don’t know what to do. Should I refuse to give him a bottle in the middle of the night and just try to comfort him back to sleep with cuddles? Should I let him cry himself back to sleep until his body adjusts to not getting food at that time? Should I keep feeding him in the middle of the night and cut back his food portions during the day? I just don’t know what to do and I don’t want to make him miserable in the process to fix things. But I also don’t want him to be doomed to be fat his whole life like me. L
The only upside I see to all this is that at least I know that Logan gets PLENTY of nutrients for his little developing brain. At least he is and will be very smart! Some babies I know definitely do not get the proper nutrition they need to feed the development of their growing minds and bodies, and that’s just sad.
I know I have a lot of friends who are parents, but sometimes I feel like it is taboo or weak to ask for help. And my husband always wants to follow doctor’s advice rather than just parental hearsay, since every parent has different views and prejudices, and every child is different. But I think that sometimes reaching out to others who have already been through similar battles to the ones you are facing can give some helpful insight. So, bring it on, people. Logan and I need your help! (Especially me, I haven’t had 8 hours of continuous sleep in a LONG TIME!!)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
A quote from the movie Never Been Kissed has stuck with me for years: "to write well, write what you know." This quote has been attributed to Mark Twain and several other authors over the years, and though many disqualify the value of it now, I still believe it holds some merit, especially for writers who are just starting out. But even better may be the following quote from Valerie Sherwood, "Don’t write what you know—what you know may bore you, and thus bore your readers. Write about what interests you—and interests you deeply—and your readers will catch fire at your words." This is what I am setting out to do.
"Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." –Thomas Edison
I have held writing close to my heart since I was about 13 years old. I have at least 8 or 10 journals filled with random poetry and prose and diary-style entries trying to figure out myself and the world around me. But all of it has been kept secret, doing me no good in my day-to-day life. Well, hopefully, I can start to change that, even if by the smallest increment at a time. I have long complained about how dissatisfied I am with my career (or lack of one) while working in one frustrating, dead-end, stressful job after another…. I have wished I could go back in time and change my college degree so many times. Political Science and Latin American Studies were fun subjects as a student, but have done me no good in the real world. If only I had chosen a Business major, that would be more versatile and more likely to place me in a position with upward mobility. Or if only I had done Accounting, I have come across countless Accounting positions over the last few years via Temp Agencies that I "almost" qualified for, if only my degree concentration had been in the Accounting field.
Then of course, we come back to writing, well, in a roundabout way, as I always tell stories. My mom has enjoyed decorating cakes for as long as I can remember. She made the most awesome cakes for me and my brothers when were little that I LOVED. Then when I was a teenager, she actually had the chance to take a few decorating classes and learn how to do roses and make the base frosting look professionally smooth and just all different sorts of cool techniques to make her cakes even more awesome. Over the years, many people who have seen (and eaten) her cakes have exclaimed "Why don’t you do these professionally?!" Her response has always been the same: "I decorate cakes like this because I enjoy doing it, if it was my JOB that would take all the fun out of it." This was the thought process that was ingrained into my brain that when it came to considering writing as a college major or for a career. I thought it would take all the fun out of it. But the reality I discovered much too late is that writing for a living would have given me the ability to actually ENJOY my job; to love going to work every day, or for that matter, staying in my pajamas to work from home every day. But alas, the few times I have attempted to get writing-related jobs, I have been turned down because I was never a part of newspaper staff in high school or college, and I did not major in English or Journalism in college. Never mind all of the "First Aid for Your Wallet" articles I co-wrote for SIFE which were published in the St. Augustine Record, or the Annual reports and scripts I did for SIFE, or the three semesters of Writing Center Tutoring that I did for fellow college students. So securing a writing-related job at this point is pretty much a lost cause.
This brings us to my current self-challenge: To write what I know, and to write it well, in a setting that might possibly give me some sort of pride and affirmation of my abilities and self-worth. Hopefully it will also provide a stress outlet and maybe even help me make some new friends/contacts. I have been admiring a couple of my friends’ blogs a lot recently, and stumbled across a few more that are actually written by "professional bloggers", a concept which currently boggles my mind. It would be the ultimate dream come true to be able to do that, or to even use this blog to get a foot in the door to any type of writing position, be it freelance or permanent – anything!
So my question to the few friends and family that currently read my tiny little insignificant blog is this: what topics would you all like to read about? What bothers you every day? What would you like to know more about? What struggles do you face? It is likely that many of us deal with the same things and I would love to do a little research on those key topics, throw in a little of my own experience and opinions, and try to help other people, while helping myself. Even if you can’t think of anything off the top of your head, comments, feedback and ideas will always be greatly appreciated, as the entries start to flow. Thank you to all of you who support me, and many who have believed in me for years already, even when it has been very hard for me to believe in myself.
"Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." –Thomas Edison