Every time I log onto Facebook and Blogger I am reminded that I am not a supermom. I wantted to be. I always though I could be. But when the moment arrived and the necessity for me to continue to work full-time after becoming a mother really sunk in, my supermom vision shattered. It has continued downhill from there. I have friends who are supermoms and I read about them on all the mommy and baby websites and it causes me to continually question myself and my abilities as a mother.
Not sure what a supermom is? Let me fill you in:
She makes her own baby food
She uses cloth diapers
She stays at home
She rarely has a messy house and never a messy kitchen
She homeschools her kids
She makes scrapbooks of her children't cuteness
She only posts of how wonderful her children are, never about the stress and bad times (or does she have any??)
She sews and/or knits or is otherwise ridiculously crafty
She cuts coupons and gets amazing deals on groceries
She makes homecooked meals 90% of the time
So yeah, that should pretty much tell you everything I lack as a mother. All of that and a short temper too. What a mess.
But then I hear about kids like the one my coworker is fostering... Landon is 2.5 years old, doesn't talk, weighs less than 20 pounds due to being starved for most of his life, and he was repetedly beat up by his mom's boyfriend. It's despicable. "Well gosh, at least Logan has a much better life than that," I think. But does he have the best life possible? Does he have the best mother possible? Probably not. I feed him packaged dinners made by Gerber at least 3 times a week. I yell at him when he gets on my nerves for the 15th time in a row, which usually happens about twice a day. But I read to him every day and try to teach him new words and skills with everything we do... making dinner, taking a bath, playing with toys. I am always trying to expand his vocabulary and keep his busy, smart little mind amused. I try to make sure he always eats enough vegetables and drinks plenty of water, and limited juice. I sing to him before bed every night. I cuddle with him in the mornings, especially on the weekends. But our house is consistently a mess and the dishes are never done and clean laundry is always in a pile somwehere, never folded and put away like it should be. And I lose my mind every few weeks from never having any "mickie time" to myself without having to deal with Logan or be at work. I am still not totally "grown-up" when it comes to money and we have lots of debts to pay off, so Logan is growing up in a crappy apartment instead of a roomy house with a yard for him to play in... but I take him to the park almost every weekend to make sure he gets exercise and fresh air...
I don't know. I just feel like Logan deserves a supermom and he didn't get one. And I haven't been able to reconcile myself to that fact since he was born. And now, my husband and I are thinking aboout the possibility of baby #2. We don't want to wait too much longer, but then again, I am terrified. I am already exhausted all the time, stressed, busy, lose my temper too often... with a second baby in the mix, I might actually lose my mind! I am scared that I will go from a mother with a grade of B- or C to a D in an instant. And my husband will want to kill me too, bcecause I will be so insane. Not to mention how fat I am and the fear I won't be able to lose any weight before getting pregnant again... and dooming another baby to a life of obesity like me. I am so worried.
Are there any other "average moms" out there like me who are now on the other side of Baby #2 or #3 and can identify with how i am feeling right now? How did you get through it? It is easier the second time around? Or third? Did you do better than you though you would?
I guess right now I have just got to start setting aside more time for me and I have to start accomplishing my goals one baby step at a time. Eat healthier for dinner one night per week. Work on crafty baby memory things one hour every week. Refuse to buy one thing per week that impulse screams for me to grab. Count to ten and take deep breaths whenever Logan is getting on my last nerve, before I open my mouth to say something to him. I really hope I can improve on Mickie this year... my family deserves better...
Friday, February 3, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Struggles
The past two months have certainly been a whirlwhind of insanity here in the Herron household. From my last post through New Year's at least one of us was sick at all times, usually two of us at a time. Logan and I passed the same cold back and forth twice I think, but last week I finally went to the doctor and got some antibiotics for my never-ending sinus infection and that has definitely helped. Work in retail during Christmastime was absolute insanity for Tim, of course, and then the last week of the month was CRAZY at my work too, trying to close out month-end and year-end financials. It felt good to be a part of such a good "real" job though, to be THANKED for my hard work and to be given catered lunches at least 4 times in the month of December because I have such an awesome boss. What a 180 degree turn around from my work situation at Christmastime last year!
So the past couple of weeks things have been slowly settling back into a normal routine and to be honest, it hasn't been great for me. You would think that more time to relax would be helpful, but in Mickie-land, it is more time to stew on my own inner thoughts. I am sure most of you can guess, that is a very dangerous thing. I have been trying to wrestle my proclivity towards depression down to a manageable level over and over again since Logan was born. For a while, I can keep it mostly under control, but sometimes, it just comes roaring back and takes over my mind for weeks at a time. I have had the same problem with anger at times, but lately the depression has been much more of an issue. When I get this way, I am very inclined to curl up in my little invisible shell within myself and shut myself off from everyone around me. And then I start to feel lonely and discouraged and then I get mad at God and the world for not making me feel happier and not sending more friends into my path. Or ANY friends in my local area, really. This issue keeps coming up for me again and again, but I don't know what to do about it. I am always torn between wallowing in self-pity and taking action to make things better. Some of you who read this may think that is pathetic, obviously I should get off my lazy butt and go make an effort to make friends, but it's just not that easy for me. I don't even know where to begin. I have thought about asking one of the other moms at Logan's daycare to hang out, but every time I rehearse it in my head it just sounds pathetic and lame. I mean, Logan and her little boy Alex are basically the best friends in their class, and I am pretty sure they would enjoy hanging out together on the weekend, but it just seems weird for me to ask Alex's mom out of the blue. I am such a nerd. And anything else I could do to make new friends, such as taking up a hobby or something has two problems: one, I have no idea what hobby to pick; and two, when do I have time for a hobby and money for a babysitter? So the whole lack of a close friend thing is really getting to me.
The other problem I have been having lately has been a building resentment towards church and God. I love the services at the church we have been attanding for the past 6 months or so, but I am really pissed about how hard they are making it for us to get to know anyone there. They don't do normal Sunday School (like most churches around here now); instead, they do "Life Groups" which meet at someones's house once a week. And they won't place you in a Life Group until you have taken their membership class, which they only offer once every six months, and we could not attend the October classes because they were during Logan's naptime each Sunday. The next class is in March, and who knows if that will fit into our schedule either. So now I am torn between beeing pissed off that we have been attending a church for 6 months and don't know a single person there, and thinking ok, maybe we are the problem, maybe we really need to make some extra effort to get involved by volunteering in the nursery or something. I have just hit the level of frustration now that I don't want to do anything.
Also, the past few weeks the sermons havee been covering the trials and tribulations of Paul, which has been really hard for me. I just can't reconcile my mind with the fact the God is supposed to be loving and compassionate and care about our every concern, yet he let Paul (and many other good Christians over the years) suffer repeatedly just for kicks. That doesn't even make sense. The pastor has been telling us that Paul knew that his earthly suffering was only temporary before experiencing eternal reward in heaven, but I am honestly getting skeptical at this point. I feel like no matter how earnestly I pray or how deep down in depression I get, God doesn't hear me or care that I am suffering. It's all some part of his mysterious "plan" that I suffer and be miserable for 15 years without him putting friends in my life to reach out to me at all. And I know all the comebacks on the other side of the argument too. I know the saying "God helps those who help themselves" and I can partially admit that yes, i need to try harder to find friends and hobbies and happiness in the small hings of daily life instead of expecting God to just rescue me all the time. But it is SO HARD. Every single day I wake up trying to figure out how to not snap at Logan when he gets on my nerves and not cry at my desk from stress and migraines and lack of sleep and self-hatred for the way I look and feel. I never wake up like Cinderella with birds singing and sunshine and a spring in my step. To me, that's not even real. I can't even imagine waking up feeling happy for more than one (fluke) day in a row. Is that really how God meant for me to live this life?? Even if this life IS temporary, that seems pretty horrible. I feel like happiness is always at the other end of the rainbow and I don't even know where the ladder is to get onto the rainbow in the first place. How is that some people are always able to see the positive in life and I NEVER can? Why do I always, always, ALWAYS struggle with controlling my finances, anger, depression, weight problems, etc, when some people seem to find happiness so easily?
Putting all of my weaknesses and problems out here on display may seem absolutely crazy to some of you, but I just don't care anymore. I have to get all of this out of my system and stop stewing on it internally where it is just making me sick. And the other part of it is that I can't stand superficiality. I am real and blunt and honest to the core. I don't know how anyone can make real connections in life WITHOUT sharing intimate details and hardships of their lives. How else can you process what you go through and make true friends?
In honor of my husband, I will end this post with the few good things that I can think of and be grateful for in my life right now.
good health
family nearby (mom, bro, sis)
food in the fridge
beautiful, smart baby boy
loving husband
working vehicles
decent place to live
great job and boss
godiva chocolate
a few good friends, even if we don't keep in touch very often
weekends and holidays off
my new laptop that I am typing on now
lots of toys and books and games for my little boy
good daycare for Logan
Hopefully I can keep adding to this list and TRY to focus on the positive. The only thing I can do is try...
Lyrics | Tenth Avenue North lyrics - Hold My Heart lyrics
So the past couple of weeks things have been slowly settling back into a normal routine and to be honest, it hasn't been great for me. You would think that more time to relax would be helpful, but in Mickie-land, it is more time to stew on my own inner thoughts. I am sure most of you can guess, that is a very dangerous thing. I have been trying to wrestle my proclivity towards depression down to a manageable level over and over again since Logan was born. For a while, I can keep it mostly under control, but sometimes, it just comes roaring back and takes over my mind for weeks at a time. I have had the same problem with anger at times, but lately the depression has been much more of an issue. When I get this way, I am very inclined to curl up in my little invisible shell within myself and shut myself off from everyone around me. And then I start to feel lonely and discouraged and then I get mad at God and the world for not making me feel happier and not sending more friends into my path. Or ANY friends in my local area, really. This issue keeps coming up for me again and again, but I don't know what to do about it. I am always torn between wallowing in self-pity and taking action to make things better. Some of you who read this may think that is pathetic, obviously I should get off my lazy butt and go make an effort to make friends, but it's just not that easy for me. I don't even know where to begin. I have thought about asking one of the other moms at Logan's daycare to hang out, but every time I rehearse it in my head it just sounds pathetic and lame. I mean, Logan and her little boy Alex are basically the best friends in their class, and I am pretty sure they would enjoy hanging out together on the weekend, but it just seems weird for me to ask Alex's mom out of the blue. I am such a nerd. And anything else I could do to make new friends, such as taking up a hobby or something has two problems: one, I have no idea what hobby to pick; and two, when do I have time for a hobby and money for a babysitter? So the whole lack of a close friend thing is really getting to me.
The other problem I have been having lately has been a building resentment towards church and God. I love the services at the church we have been attanding for the past 6 months or so, but I am really pissed about how hard they are making it for us to get to know anyone there. They don't do normal Sunday School (like most churches around here now); instead, they do "Life Groups" which meet at someones's house once a week. And they won't place you in a Life Group until you have taken their membership class, which they only offer once every six months, and we could not attend the October classes because they were during Logan's naptime each Sunday. The next class is in March, and who knows if that will fit into our schedule either. So now I am torn between beeing pissed off that we have been attending a church for 6 months and don't know a single person there, and thinking ok, maybe we are the problem, maybe we really need to make some extra effort to get involved by volunteering in the nursery or something. I have just hit the level of frustration now that I don't want to do anything.
Also, the past few weeks the sermons havee been covering the trials and tribulations of Paul, which has been really hard for me. I just can't reconcile my mind with the fact the God is supposed to be loving and compassionate and care about our every concern, yet he let Paul (and many other good Christians over the years) suffer repeatedly just for kicks. That doesn't even make sense. The pastor has been telling us that Paul knew that his earthly suffering was only temporary before experiencing eternal reward in heaven, but I am honestly getting skeptical at this point. I feel like no matter how earnestly I pray or how deep down in depression I get, God doesn't hear me or care that I am suffering. It's all some part of his mysterious "plan" that I suffer and be miserable for 15 years without him putting friends in my life to reach out to me at all. And I know all the comebacks on the other side of the argument too. I know the saying "God helps those who help themselves" and I can partially admit that yes, i need to try harder to find friends and hobbies and happiness in the small hings of daily life instead of expecting God to just rescue me all the time. But it is SO HARD. Every single day I wake up trying to figure out how to not snap at Logan when he gets on my nerves and not cry at my desk from stress and migraines and lack of sleep and self-hatred for the way I look and feel. I never wake up like Cinderella with birds singing and sunshine and a spring in my step. To me, that's not even real. I can't even imagine waking up feeling happy for more than one (fluke) day in a row. Is that really how God meant for me to live this life?? Even if this life IS temporary, that seems pretty horrible. I feel like happiness is always at the other end of the rainbow and I don't even know where the ladder is to get onto the rainbow in the first place. How is that some people are always able to see the positive in life and I NEVER can? Why do I always, always, ALWAYS struggle with controlling my finances, anger, depression, weight problems, etc, when some people seem to find happiness so easily?
Putting all of my weaknesses and problems out here on display may seem absolutely crazy to some of you, but I just don't care anymore. I have to get all of this out of my system and stop stewing on it internally where it is just making me sick. And the other part of it is that I can't stand superficiality. I am real and blunt and honest to the core. I don't know how anyone can make real connections in life WITHOUT sharing intimate details and hardships of their lives. How else can you process what you go through and make true friends?
In honor of my husband, I will end this post with the few good things that I can think of and be grateful for in my life right now.
good health
family nearby (mom, bro, sis)
food in the fridge
beautiful, smart baby boy
loving husband
working vehicles
decent place to live
great job and boss
godiva chocolate
a few good friends, even if we don't keep in touch very often
weekends and holidays off
my new laptop that I am typing on now
lots of toys and books and games for my little boy
good daycare for Logan
Hopefully I can keep adding to this list and TRY to focus on the positive. The only thing I can do is try...
Lyrics | Tenth Avenue North lyrics - Hold My Heart lyrics
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