what do i want to be when i grow up? ...i have no idea...
i want to be thinner
i want to be healthier
i want to be more hard-working (not so lazy)
i want to be someone my child can admire
i want to be a better mother
i want to be more patient
i want to be more positive
i want to be kinder
i want to accomplish great things, to leave some kind of legacy
but i don't know how.
i can't focus at work. at all. i have no motivation to better myself, or my marriage. staying where i am at in life is a miserable prospect, but changing seems like an insurmountable task. i want to be thin overnight. i want to shed my depression when i wake up tomorrow morning and never have to struggle against it again. i want to be patient and positive and forget the wrongs of my past. but as they say, nothing worth having is easily attained.
i am scared of the process of getting healthy and losing weight. i am scared i will lose a bunch of weight and still hate myself on the inside. still see the fat, ugly monster with the bad attitude in the mirror. i am scared of the challenge of maintaining a lower weight and continuing to struggle with food and exercise for the rest of my life. i am scared to look even more disgusting after weight loss due to all of the loose, sagging skin. i am so scared i can't even begin to try.
i am scared to have another child, but i am scared NOT to. How can our family be complete with only one baby? i get so angry when i see all the people online in the "one and done" groups.... and i feel a jealous rage boiling up inside me whenever i see friends on facebook posting about their second, third and fourth children. IT'S NOT FAIR! 5 years and two miscarriages later... and who am i? i have failed as a woman and a wife. and no one cares.
i feel so alone every day. i try to escape into tv, books, games, shopping and facebook bullshit... i ignore EVERYTHING just to be numb. i am constantly trying to distract myself from the pain inside, to escape from myself and my dissatisfaction with my life. i am so bored at work that i go crazy trying to make myself pay attention and do anything productive each day.
i hate that we are always so disorganized financially, and perpetually behind on our bills... i always feel this pressure inside to just explode or flee. but for no good reason. i have a loving husband, a wonderful son, a job that pays pretty well, a roof over my head, a car that is almost paid off... but still.... i just feel like my soul is twisting and turning in torture, trying to break free. of what, though?? i feel it, but i just don't understand it. i can't even begin to explain it to my husband or anyone else.
so i just curl up in my shell and hide from everything and everyone. i try to block out everything and just recede into my own mind. and the deeper i go, the longer i stay inside, the more unlikely it seems that i will ever be able to climb out.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
medicated
am i really crazy, or is it society? or both?
every single day is a struggle. i hate the way i look and feel in my clothes, i torture myself over how fat and ugly i am... yet i do nothing to change it. i save a million healthy recipes and never actually cook a single one. i hate the political environment of my current job (and every previous one) yet i make no real effort to leave. i say that i don't want to be late, yet i always wait until the last minute to get ready to go anywhere. i want to advance my career for the sense of pride and accomplishment, but i can't imagine actually working in corporate america forever. i long to write... but i lack inspiration at the end of long days, and i am terrified of making a real effort to have a writing career and falling flat on my face.
every single day is a struggle. i just want to give up and stay in bed and hide under the covers forever. i want to run away from my whole life and go live like a hippie in the middle of a forest somewhere. i feel like sitting at a desk for 9 hours a day mentally toiling away has ruined my life (after only 10 years). I have nothing left to give my family at the end of the day, or myself. I vegetate in front of the TV and just try to go numb. being a numb robot seems like the only way to survive. employers just want you to be a lemming and do whatever they ask without questioning why or suggesting a better way or digging deeper into the process or the reason behind things. so lately i have decided to just do the minimum expected of me and not care at all about the rest. caring gets you nowhere but hurt and persecuted.
i am so lonely. my husband's schedule rarely aligns with mine, and even when it does, neither of us have the energy to do anything meaningful with our time. or the little energy we do have is used up by the time our son goes to bed. so we vegetate, sleep, work, repeat. i know i have a handful of good friends, but texts and facebook chats and long distance phone calls could never take the place of face to face interaction. i usually don't bother to reach out very often because i feel like i am a burden as a human being. i am not going to call someone just to complain...
am i the only one who is so depressed and anxious and alone? on one hand, i feel like a lazy jerk for not fighting harder, doing better, forcing myself to be active and cheer up.... but on the other hand, all of that feels utterly impossible. i feel like i am walking underwater with hundred pound weights chained to my legs. there is a crowd just above the surface yelling at me to just take off the weights and swim out to catch a breath of air, but i can't figure out how to get the chains off.
i am such a failure.
in high school i worked really hard and got good grades, took AP and Honors classes, graduated within the top 25 or 30 students in my class. i only applied to one college and got in early. i made good grades in college too, graduating with honors. i participated in tons of clubs, held offices in those clubs, and was nominated for induction to 4 different honor societies my senior year. i thought i was doing everything right, and that i was really going to be someone important someday. but after a few years in the work force, all dreams of grandeur were shattered. first of all, only the beautiful people with velvet tongues get promoted. secondly, no one cares about your dreams and inspirations and creativity in the real world. they just want you to shut up and do the job and never be late and never talk back.
i thought motherhood would be exciting and validating, but that dealt some crushing blows as well. i utterly drowned in post-partum depression for 4 or 5 months after having my son, prone to fits of crying, screaming, and punching pillows. i failed at breastfeeding and only managed to continue pumping for about 7 months. i was the worst, most impatient mother for the first year of my son's life and i still cringe when i think of the times i screamed at him when he was too little for anything to have been his fault.
and now that he is older, i am still a terrible mother. i frequently let tv be my babysitter on the weekend, while i go in my dark bedroom and hide under the covers. he asks to go to the park or play games and half the time, i just mentally can't do it. i feel bad, but helpless. i just don't know how to find motivation within myself to keep up with demands of my life. i never keep up with the housework or cooking, so there i fail as a mother AND as a wife. not to mention all of the other wifely duties i regularly fail at...
and then there are my toxic relationships with food and money... and well, just forget it.
i have been on anti-depressants for a year and a half now, and they provide a moderate amount of stability, but in eradicating the extreme lows and bouts of rage, they also take away the highs. i just keep slowly sinking further into despair. nothing ever changes, nothing ever gets better. we just work and pay bills year after year for nothing. no matter how much progress we make, disaster will always strike and knock us backwards. what is the point of living? do i really have no purpose here except to circle ever closer to the drain? everything in human society seems to be geared towards attaining large amounts of money and high standards of beauty, neither of which I am skilled at in the least. so why bother even trying? why live at all if only to lead a mediocre life? a life that not only fails by society's standards, but my own as well...
every single day is a struggle. i hate the way i look and feel in my clothes, i torture myself over how fat and ugly i am... yet i do nothing to change it. i save a million healthy recipes and never actually cook a single one. i hate the political environment of my current job (and every previous one) yet i make no real effort to leave. i say that i don't want to be late, yet i always wait until the last minute to get ready to go anywhere. i want to advance my career for the sense of pride and accomplishment, but i can't imagine actually working in corporate america forever. i long to write... but i lack inspiration at the end of long days, and i am terrified of making a real effort to have a writing career and falling flat on my face.
every single day is a struggle. i just want to give up and stay in bed and hide under the covers forever. i want to run away from my whole life and go live like a hippie in the middle of a forest somewhere. i feel like sitting at a desk for 9 hours a day mentally toiling away has ruined my life (after only 10 years). I have nothing left to give my family at the end of the day, or myself. I vegetate in front of the TV and just try to go numb. being a numb robot seems like the only way to survive. employers just want you to be a lemming and do whatever they ask without questioning why or suggesting a better way or digging deeper into the process or the reason behind things. so lately i have decided to just do the minimum expected of me and not care at all about the rest. caring gets you nowhere but hurt and persecuted.
i am so lonely. my husband's schedule rarely aligns with mine, and even when it does, neither of us have the energy to do anything meaningful with our time. or the little energy we do have is used up by the time our son goes to bed. so we vegetate, sleep, work, repeat. i know i have a handful of good friends, but texts and facebook chats and long distance phone calls could never take the place of face to face interaction. i usually don't bother to reach out very often because i feel like i am a burden as a human being. i am not going to call someone just to complain...
am i the only one who is so depressed and anxious and alone? on one hand, i feel like a lazy jerk for not fighting harder, doing better, forcing myself to be active and cheer up.... but on the other hand, all of that feels utterly impossible. i feel like i am walking underwater with hundred pound weights chained to my legs. there is a crowd just above the surface yelling at me to just take off the weights and swim out to catch a breath of air, but i can't figure out how to get the chains off.
i am such a failure.
in high school i worked really hard and got good grades, took AP and Honors classes, graduated within the top 25 or 30 students in my class. i only applied to one college and got in early. i made good grades in college too, graduating with honors. i participated in tons of clubs, held offices in those clubs, and was nominated for induction to 4 different honor societies my senior year. i thought i was doing everything right, and that i was really going to be someone important someday. but after a few years in the work force, all dreams of grandeur were shattered. first of all, only the beautiful people with velvet tongues get promoted. secondly, no one cares about your dreams and inspirations and creativity in the real world. they just want you to shut up and do the job and never be late and never talk back.
i thought motherhood would be exciting and validating, but that dealt some crushing blows as well. i utterly drowned in post-partum depression for 4 or 5 months after having my son, prone to fits of crying, screaming, and punching pillows. i failed at breastfeeding and only managed to continue pumping for about 7 months. i was the worst, most impatient mother for the first year of my son's life and i still cringe when i think of the times i screamed at him when he was too little for anything to have been his fault.
and now that he is older, i am still a terrible mother. i frequently let tv be my babysitter on the weekend, while i go in my dark bedroom and hide under the covers. he asks to go to the park or play games and half the time, i just mentally can't do it. i feel bad, but helpless. i just don't know how to find motivation within myself to keep up with demands of my life. i never keep up with the housework or cooking, so there i fail as a mother AND as a wife. not to mention all of the other wifely duties i regularly fail at...
and then there are my toxic relationships with food and money... and well, just forget it.
i have been on anti-depressants for a year and a half now, and they provide a moderate amount of stability, but in eradicating the extreme lows and bouts of rage, they also take away the highs. i just keep slowly sinking further into despair. nothing ever changes, nothing ever gets better. we just work and pay bills year after year for nothing. no matter how much progress we make, disaster will always strike and knock us backwards. what is the point of living? do i really have no purpose here except to circle ever closer to the drain? everything in human society seems to be geared towards attaining large amounts of money and high standards of beauty, neither of which I am skilled at in the least. so why bother even trying? why live at all if only to lead a mediocre life? a life that not only fails by society's standards, but my own as well...
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