better?

what do i want to be when i grow up? ...i have no idea...

i want to be thinner
i want to be healthier
i want to be more hard-working (not so lazy)
i want to be someone my child can admire
i want to be a better mother
i want to be more patient
i want to be more positive
i want to be kinder
i want to accomplish great things, to leave some kind of legacy

but i don't know how.

i can't focus at work. at all. i have no motivation to better myself, or my marriage. staying where i am at in life is a miserable prospect, but changing seems like an insurmountable task. i want to be thin overnight. i want to shed my depression when i wake up tomorrow morning and never have to struggle against it again. i want to be patient and positive and forget the wrongs of my past. but as they say, nothing worth having is easily attained.

i am scared of the process of getting healthy and losing weight. i am scared i will lose a bunch of weight and still hate myself on the inside. still see the fat, ugly monster with the bad attitude in the mirror. i am scared of the challenge of maintaining a lower weight and continuing to struggle with food and exercise for the rest of my life. i am scared to look even more disgusting after weight loss due to all of the loose, sagging skin. i am so scared i can't even begin to try.

i am scared to have another child, but i am scared NOT to. How can our family be complete with only one baby? i get so angry when i see all the people online in the "one and done" groups.... and i feel a jealous rage boiling up inside me whenever i see friends on facebook posting about their second, third and fourth children. IT'S NOT FAIR! 5 years and two miscarriages later... and who am i? i have failed as a woman and a wife. and no one cares.

i feel so alone every day. i try to escape into tv, books, games, shopping and facebook bullshit... i ignore EVERYTHING just to be numb. i am constantly trying to distract myself from the pain inside, to escape from myself and my dissatisfaction with my life. i am so bored at work that i go crazy trying to make myself pay attention and do anything productive each day.

i hate that we are always so disorganized financially, and perpetually behind on our bills... i always feel this pressure inside to just explode or flee. but for no good reason. i have a loving husband, a wonderful son, a job that pays pretty well, a roof over my head, a car that is almost paid off... but still.... i just feel like my soul is twisting and turning in torture, trying to break free. of what, though?? i feel it, but i just don't understand it. i can't even begin to explain it to my husband or anyone else.

so i just curl up in my shell and hide from everything and everyone. i try to block out everything and just recede into my own mind. and the deeper i go, the longer i stay inside, the more unlikely it seems that i will ever be able to climb out.