Daycare Nation

As usual, this post has been floating around in my head for weeks... let's hope it types out as good as it sounds in my head!


So, the title of this post is "Daycare Nation". Let me try to explain. To be clear, I would classify myself as approximately 25% feminist, 75% traditionalist. It is my belief that the feminist movement as a whole has been detrimental to American families. Granted, I do want to be treated equally as a human being with intelligence and skillful abilities (hence the 25%), but many of my God-given talents and responsibilities lay at home with my family. Since the 70's there has been a steady increase in the number of moms who work outside the home full-time. I personally see a correlation with this statistic and the rise of fast food consumption, obesity and divorce. At first, this was a choice; women wanted to prove that were just as smart and as capable as men (which of course we are) and they did prove it. But what happened was that all the other things women used to take care of regularly at home started being farmed out to strangers, such as the making of meals and the care of children. Combine that with the constant sense of rush and urgency that permeates our national culture and you can see the snowball effect that developed, and the strain this whole situation puts on marriages and families.

Now, here we are 40 years later trapped in the system. Ok, so maybe not trapped exactly, but that's certainly what it feels like to me. With all of the idiotic bills I racked up before I met my husband (read: credit cards and car loan), it made it so that Tim and I began our life together under a small mountain of debt. Therefore, I HAD to keep working. This is still the situation, even though luckily for the first time in years I have finally found a job that I actually enjoy going to, that doesn't feel like indentured servitude. But the debt is still there. We have talked a few times about me possibly quitting work in a couple years when we have a lot of debt paid off, and staying home with the kid(s). But then I think about how frustrated I get with Logan sometimes and I worry I would go crazy having to take care of him 24/7. Then again, I wouldn't be all tired and stressed from work every day when I pick him up, and I wouldn't be rushing to get some junky quick dinner on the table every night because I would have time to prepare a healthier variety of meals and do more planned, organized grocery shopping. Hmmm...

So this leads me back to the topic of Obesity. I know what you're thinking: even though I work I could find a way to eat healthier at dinnertime. Yes, you're probably right. But dinner isn't even the worst part of the working mother lifestyle. The real cornerstone is BREASTFEEDING. One of the main NECESSITIES of life that has taken a backseat to convenience. Formula is not "just like breastmilk," I don't care what the labels say. If you want your kid to grow up healthy, strong, and not overweight, they need to be breastfed. The use of formula and bottles kills all the natural instincts babies have to stop eating when they are full and to work for their food. And it distances the bond between mother and child. Not even to mention all the benefits the mom misses out on hormonally and otherwise. I know this from what I have read and heard from other mothers, and especially from my own experience with my son. Let me explain...

Within 24 hours of Logan being born his bilirubin(jaundice) levels were creeping up excessively and it was discovered that he was "Koom's positive" which is basically the opposite of RH disease... instead of my body wanting to get rid of him in the womb, his body wanted to get rid of anything having to do with ME after he was born. Therefore, Logan was admitted to the NICU, where he stayed for 5 days. He laid on a special light blanket and had two different special UV lights on top of him to keep his jaundice from getting out of control. And basically the only way to get the jaundice out of his little body was through the liver: i.e. he had to pee and poop it out. To that end, the doctor told the nurses to give Logan tiny bottles of similac formula, even if he had breastfed already, to make sure he was eating as much as possible and consequently excreting as much as possible. I had no idea the doctor ordered the nurses to do this and I was kind of shocked about it, but in the madness of it all, I just went along with it because I just wanted my baby to get well and come home. Thus began the rapid nosedive of mine and Logan's breastfeeding relationship.

Because I began pumping right away at 3 hour intervals instead of nursing my baby at 1-2 hour intervals, my milk supply did not come in very well at first. It seemed like I never had enough to feed Logan to make him full. Then, he would get frustrated because he was a voracious eater (do to being OVERFED in the NICU) plus he hated having to work hard for his food when he knew if he screamed enough he could get a bottle and things would be much easier. We struggled for about two weeks and then I had a mental breakdown and I couldn't do it anymore. So I began pumping round the clock and we gave Logan the pumped breastmilk via bottles until I absolutely gave out due to fatigue when he was 7 months old. I did the best I could with pumping in a stressful, unsupported work environment and keeping it up for 7 months, but it still makes me so angry. It shouldn't have been so hard and so complicated. Breastfeeding should be the natural way to do things. And I should have had more than 6 weeks after his birth (and so should all new mothers) in order to nurture that mother/child bonding and breastfeeding relationship. To this day, Logan still overeats constantly... I try to give him proper portions, but he whines and screams for more at almost every meal. Overeating the first 5 days of his life has followed him to 15 months old... and I am terrified of him continuing to be overweight his whole life because of it.

So back to my original topic... daycare nation. Many working moms try to pump like I did, but many of them give up much sooner. And I do understand why: It is easier to just send a bottle of formula with your child to daycare and mix one at night than have to go through all the trouble of pumping at work and storing the breastmilk properly and keeping up your supply and being the only one to get up in the middle of the night for months on end because you are THE food source. I get it. But in the long run, look what it is doing to our children and our society as a whole. We act like hiring strangers to take care of our children and feeding our them synthetic garbage is okay and normal, but it is not. Mothers being away from their tiny young children for more than 8 hours a day is NOT NORMAL. Obese children are not normal. Depressed, angry, stressed out parents who barely see their children for 2 or 3 waking hours per day should not be the norm for our nation's families.

BUT HOW DO WE BREAK OUT OF THE CYCLE? Do we sell most of our possessions and live in the cheapest crummy apartment we can find and go down from two cars to one? Will trading "busy stress" only be an exchange for "boredom stress" from being stuck around the house with the kids all the time with no money to do anything fun? Would I go crazy from no longer finding a sense of purpose and prosperity in my career? Am I a good enough mother to actually do well for my child by staying home? Could I even handle it? Could I be frugal enough to help my family survive on only one income??

I don't know. I don't know how to fix everything, but I am praying God will show me how to do what is best for my family, because right now I feel totally stuck in limbo. I am excited about my new job that is such a better environment for me, but I still feel guilty every single day when I rush Logan out the door and drop him off at daycare. I know the current system is broken, I have just got to figure out how to fix it. Will you help me??

Negativity/Positivity/Selfishness/God

To begin, I apologize for my delay in posting. I must have started this post a half dozen times before finally getting it written. I do hope that you all enjoy it, now that it is finally here, but I will warn you, it is very personal and very long. So be prepared. ;) 

Many of you who have known me for a while know that I have always struggled with anger issues. Especially as a teenager and even into my college years I had severe problems with controlling my anger and would BLOW UP and scream and yell at people all the time, especially those closest to me. I have also struggled with depression for many years (undiagnosed of course), which reached its worst point during the first few months after my son was born. I have always felt that this is a major weakness that should be controlled and hidden from "polite society" but have found it very hard to do so, as I have a very outgoing/expressive personality by nature. I have been told many times in my life that I just need to "focus on the positive" and "don’t sweat the small stuff, etc." but I have found those mantras EXTREMELY difficult to live by. I have felt at times that being happy was absolutely impossible. It was always a goal that was unachievable. And pretending to be happy when I am not goes against my very core nature. I just can't do it. 

This has affected my attitude for many years. I have been bitter, angry and very jealous, especially of other women around me... those who have been more successful in their careers, had boyfriends or husbands long before I did, are prettier, thinner... girls who are everything I am not. And all this focus on others and my shortcomings served to manifest itself in the continuation of my failures and depression. Slowly, VERY slowly, since meeting my wonderful husband Tim and having a child and being forced to GROW UP a little bit over the past couple of years, I have finally begun to see how futile hating myself is. All of this anger that has been burning inside me for so long is only killing me. Nobody owes me anything, no extra consideration or sympathy; everyone has some type of hardship in their lives, even the pretty, skinny, rich girls (however hard this may be to admit to myself). Nobody is going to wave a magic wand and "fix" me and make me beautiful and confident and perfect. I will never be perfect. I have to work with the few talents I do have and make something happen for myself. I have to appreciate the family and friends and the life that I do have. I have to focus on the positive. As my husband reminds me often, positive breeds positive. And I really hate to admit for the one thousandth time that he is right. But later in this post, I will give you my recent, concrete example of how this is true.

Over the past 2 months, Tim and I have been attending a local church here in Greenville. Since we met over two years ago we have been saying we need to go to church together, and we have gone here and there, but not very regularly until now. One of the hardest reasons was because Sunday is usually the only day off during the week that we have together. Most weeknights and Saturdays I am lucky to see my husband for 3 hours in the evening, if at all. So we didn't want to miss a moment of our "day off" time together. But for a while I had been feeling the "pull" that I personally needed to go, so finally a couple months ago, I said, "I am going, with or without you," and we have been going about every other week since then. It is somewhat of a hassle getting Logan ready and making sure we all have breakfast and are bathed and dressed and out the door on time, but once Tim and I settle in at the service (and Logan in the nursery), it is all worth it.I have missed worship time so much and I have missed having a church family. 

I was a member of First Baptist Eau Gallie in Florida from age 12 to 25 and it was really hard to get adjusted up here in SC, especially after failing pretty miserably at keeping up attendance while being away at college for four years. In that time, the church grew tremendously and I lost touch with many of the people I knew there. I went back after college quite a few times, but felt sort of like a stranger in my own home and it never really clicked with me again. And then I moved away... even now, I don't really know anybody at Southside Fellowship either, but finally a light bulb has turned on and I am going not have "fellowship" time with friends and look good as a churchgoer, or going just out of habit, but I am going to build up my relationship with God and to put myself in a better mental and emotional state every week - to be grounded. To have proper focus in my life again... or maybe, for the first time. I am finally realizing that, no, I am not the center of the universe. No, God is not eternally punishing me by making me fat and ugly and forcing me to have a string of unrewarding jobs. It is not about me, it is about HIM and the people around me.

I never realized until recently how ridiculously self-absorbed I have always been. I would pray asking God why he made me so broken and awful, why I couldn't be prettier or have a better career or have a boyfriend and on and on and on. Never did my prayers focus on Him and what I could do for others. Never did my life focus on Him and helping others. I have an extremely bad habit of always thinking about what I want and how I want things to be done without stopping first to think, "what would my husband enjoy doing today?" or "how could I make my mom's day better today?"... It honestly never even occurred to me. I was so wrapped up in the festering pain and hatred inside myself that I could not stop for two seconds to look at what I was doing TO (and not doing FOR) the people in my life that I claimed to love. I think I am finally beginning to understand the true nature of love for the first time. It's a good thing God sent me a husband who is far better than I ever deserved to help teach me that.


So back to the "positive breeds positive" mantra of Tim. Since we have been going to church regularly, we have also finally begun to tithe. We haven't done the exact "10 percent" rule and not every week, but we have given what we can, when we go, and especially made sure to give more when extra money came our way. And now, the blessings just keep coming! In one week's time last month when we were somewhat "pinched" financially, Tim got a bonus check, a looong awaited tax refund came in, and I got a bonus check at work too, which I never expected in a million years. It was amazing! And then, last week, I got a call out of the blue from a company that found my resume online and wanted to interview me. I ACED the interview and they offered me the job the very next day! I start in two weeks!! This is after two and a half YEARS of searching for something really good here in SC and after interviewing with what felt like DOZENS of staffing agencies and applying to HUNDREDS of jobs online and revamping my resume ten times and hoping and waiting and torturing myself over it. I finally let go and turned my focus to where it should have been all along, and look what happened. God is so good.


So in addition to all of this, last week I began a weight loss/get healthy endeavor with my husband, my mom, my sister and a few friends. For the first time, truthfully, I am actually cutting back, counting calories a bit, and trying to be more physically active. I have said that I have tried to lose weight in the past, but my heart was never really in it. This time, it feels very different. I am not putting that pressure on myself where I have to lose weight fast or I beat myself up and sabotage any good I have done by binging at the first sign of trouble. I am not afraid anymore. I will not call myself a failure and give up just for eating one cookie. I am going to do this as well as I can, but I am still going to LIVE and enjoy an indulgent meal now and then. And when I mess up, I will just get over it and start again tomorrow. This time, my goals are simple: I want to be healthy enough to stick around a long time to enjoy life with my family and friends; I want to be a good example for Logan; I want to be healthy enough to someday get pregnant again; I just want to FEEL BETTER, physically and mentally, and this plan will help with both I think. 

So I hope my little TMI entry hasn't scared anyone off from reading my blog. But I am writing what I know, and that is this truth. Of course, every day is a struggle to live by what I am learning. Every day I still have to train myself to re-focus and be positive and be loving and to think about others more than myself. It is REALLY, REALLY HARD. But I know it is the right thing to do and I know that it is rewarding in so many ways. Thank you, to all of my friends and family, who have stuck by me when I have been the biggest jerk on the planet so many times. All I can tell you now is that I have seen the error of my ways and I am trying to do better, one step at a time.