To begin, I apologize for my delay in posting. I must have started this post a half dozen times before finally getting it written. I do hope that you all enjoy it, now that it is finally here, but I will warn you, it is very personal and very long. So be prepared. ;)
Many of you who have known me for a while know that I have always struggled with anger issues. Especially as a teenager and even into my college years I had severe problems with controlling my anger and would BLOW UP and scream and yell at people all the time, especially those closest to me. I have also struggled with depression for many years (undiagnosed of course), which reached its worst point during the first few months after my son was born. I have always felt that this is a major weakness that should be controlled and hidden from "polite society" but have found it very hard to do so, as I have a very outgoing/expressive personality by nature. I have been told many times in my life that I just need to "focus on the positive" and "don’t sweat the small stuff, etc." but I have found those mantras EXTREMELY difficult to live by. I have felt at times that being happy was absolutely impossible. It was always a goal that was unachievable. And pretending to be happy when I am not goes against my very core nature. I just can't do it.
This has affected my attitude for many years. I have been bitter, angry and very jealous, especially of other women around me... those who have been more successful in their careers, had boyfriends or husbands long before I did, are prettier, thinner... girls who are everything I am not. And all this focus on others and my shortcomings served to manifest itself in the continuation of my failures and depression. Slowly, VERY slowly, since meeting my wonderful husband Tim and having a child and being forced to GROW UP a little bit over the past couple of years, I have finally begun to see how futile hating myself is. All of this anger that has been burning inside me for so long is only killing me. Nobody owes me anything, no extra consideration or sympathy; everyone has some type of hardship in their lives, even the pretty, skinny, rich girls (however hard this may be to admit to myself). Nobody is going to wave a magic wand and "fix" me and make me beautiful and confident and perfect. I will never be perfect. I have to work with the few talents I do have and make something happen for myself. I have to appreciate the family and friends and the life that I do have. I have to focus on the positive. As my husband reminds me often, positive breeds positive. And I really hate to admit for the one thousandth time that he is right. But later in this post, I will give you my recent, concrete example of how this is true.
Over the past 2 months, Tim and I have been attending a local church here in Greenville. Since we met over two years ago we have been saying we need to go to church together, and we have gone here and there, but not very regularly until now. One of the hardest reasons was because Sunday is usually the only day off during the week that we have together. Most weeknights and Saturdays I am lucky to see my husband for 3 hours in the evening, if at all. So we didn't want to miss a moment of our "day off" time together. But for a while I had been feeling the "pull" that I personally needed to go, so finally a couple months ago, I said, "I am going, with or without you," and we have been going about every other week since then. It is somewhat of a hassle getting Logan ready and making sure we all have breakfast and are bathed and dressed and out the door on time, but once Tim and I settle in at the service (and Logan in the nursery), it is all worth it.I have missed worship time so much and I have missed having a church family.
Over the past 2 months, Tim and I have been attending a local church here in Greenville. Since we met over two years ago we have been saying we need to go to church together, and we have gone here and there, but not very regularly until now. One of the hardest reasons was because Sunday is usually the only day off during the week that we have together. Most weeknights and Saturdays I am lucky to see my husband for 3 hours in the evening, if at all. So we didn't want to miss a moment of our "day off" time together. But for a while I had been feeling the "pull" that I personally needed to go, so finally a couple months ago, I said, "I am going, with or without you," and we have been going about every other week since then. It is somewhat of a hassle getting Logan ready and making sure we all have breakfast and are bathed and dressed and out the door on time, but once Tim and I settle in at the service (and Logan in the nursery), it is all worth it.I have missed worship time so much and I have missed having a church family.
I was a member of First Baptist Eau Gallie in Florida from age 12 to 25 and it was really hard to get adjusted up here in SC, especially after failing pretty miserably at keeping up attendance while being away at college for four years. In that time, the church grew tremendously and I lost touch with many of the people I knew there. I went back after college quite a few times, but felt sort of like a stranger in my own home and it never really clicked with me again. And then I moved away... even now, I don't really know anybody at Southside Fellowship either, but finally a light bulb has turned on and I am going not have "fellowship" time with friends and look good as a churchgoer, or going just out of habit, but I am going to build up my relationship with God and to put myself in a better mental and emotional state every week - to be grounded. To have proper focus in my life again... or maybe, for the first time. I am finally realizing that, no, I am not the center of the universe. No, God is not eternally punishing me by making me fat and ugly and forcing me to have a string of unrewarding jobs. It is not about me, it is about HIM and the people around me.
I never realized until recently how ridiculously self-absorbed I have always been. I would pray asking God why he made me so broken and awful, why I couldn't be prettier or have a better career or have a boyfriend and on and on and on. Never did my prayers focus on Him and what I could do for others. Never did my life focus on Him and helping others. I have an extremely bad habit of always thinking about what I want and how I want things to be done without stopping first to think, "what would my husband enjoy doing today?" or "how could I make my mom's day better today?"... It honestly never even occurred to me. I was so wrapped up in the festering pain and hatred inside myself that I could not stop for two seconds to look at what I was doing TO (and not doing FOR) the people in my life that I claimed to love. I think I am finally beginning to understand the true nature of love for the first time. It's a good thing God sent me a husband who is far better than I ever deserved to help teach me that.
So back to the "positive breeds positive" mantra of Tim. Since we have been going to church regularly, we have also finally begun to tithe. We haven't done the exact "10 percent" rule and not every week, but we have given what we can, when we go, and especially made sure to give more when extra money came our way. And now, the blessings just keep coming! In one week's time last month when we were somewhat "pinched" financially, Tim got a bonus check, a looong awaited tax refund came in, and I got a bonus check at work too, which I never expected in a million years. It was amazing! And then, last week, I got a call out of the blue from a company that found my resume online and wanted to interview me. I ACED the interview and they offered me the job the very next day! I start in two weeks!! This is after two and a half YEARS of searching for something really good here in SC and after interviewing with what felt like DOZENS of staffing agencies and applying to HUNDREDS of jobs online and revamping my resume ten times and hoping and waiting and torturing myself over it. I finally let go and turned my focus to where it should have been all along, and look what happened. God is so good.
So in addition to all of this, last week I began a weight loss/get healthy endeavor with my husband, my mom, my sister and a few friends. For the first time, truthfully, I am actually cutting back, counting calories a bit, and trying to be more physically active. I have said that I have tried to lose weight in the past, but my heart was never really in it. This time, it feels very different. I am not putting that pressure on myself where I have to lose weight fast or I beat myself up and sabotage any good I have done by binging at the first sign of trouble. I am not afraid anymore. I will not call myself a failure and give up just for eating one cookie. I am going to do this as well as I can, but I am still going to LIVE and enjoy an indulgent meal now and then. And when I mess up, I will just get over it and start again tomorrow. This time, my goals are simple: I want to be healthy enough to stick around a long time to enjoy life with my family and friends; I want to be a good example for Logan; I want to be healthy enough to someday get pregnant again; I just want to FEEL BETTER, physically and mentally, and this plan will help with both I think.
So back to the "positive breeds positive" mantra of Tim. Since we have been going to church regularly, we have also finally begun to tithe. We haven't done the exact "10 percent" rule and not every week, but we have given what we can, when we go, and especially made sure to give more when extra money came our way. And now, the blessings just keep coming! In one week's time last month when we were somewhat "pinched" financially, Tim got a bonus check, a looong awaited tax refund came in, and I got a bonus check at work too, which I never expected in a million years. It was amazing! And then, last week, I got a call out of the blue from a company that found my resume online and wanted to interview me. I ACED the interview and they offered me the job the very next day! I start in two weeks!! This is after two and a half YEARS of searching for something really good here in SC and after interviewing with what felt like DOZENS of staffing agencies and applying to HUNDREDS of jobs online and revamping my resume ten times and hoping and waiting and torturing myself over it. I finally let go and turned my focus to where it should have been all along, and look what happened. God is so good.
So in addition to all of this, last week I began a weight loss/get healthy endeavor with my husband, my mom, my sister and a few friends. For the first time, truthfully, I am actually cutting back, counting calories a bit, and trying to be more physically active. I have said that I have tried to lose weight in the past, but my heart was never really in it. This time, it feels very different. I am not putting that pressure on myself where I have to lose weight fast or I beat myself up and sabotage any good I have done by binging at the first sign of trouble. I am not afraid anymore. I will not call myself a failure and give up just for eating one cookie. I am going to do this as well as I can, but I am still going to LIVE and enjoy an indulgent meal now and then. And when I mess up, I will just get over it and start again tomorrow. This time, my goals are simple: I want to be healthy enough to stick around a long time to enjoy life with my family and friends; I want to be a good example for Logan; I want to be healthy enough to someday get pregnant again; I just want to FEEL BETTER, physically and mentally, and this plan will help with both I think.
So I hope my little TMI entry hasn't scared anyone off from reading my blog. But I am writing what I know, and that is this truth. Of course, every day is a struggle to live by what I am learning. Every day I still have to train myself to re-focus and be positive and be loving and to think about others more than myself. It is REALLY, REALLY HARD. But I know it is the right thing to do and I know that it is rewarding in so many ways. Thank you, to all of my friends and family, who have stuck by me when I have been the biggest jerk on the planet so many times. All I can tell you now is that I have seen the error of my ways and I am trying to do better, one step at a time.
WHen it comes to weight loss, I join you, I'm trying to fight that beast for the sake of my health and for better riding. No one should judge someone on appearances. I used to work with this one girl, Marie, and I was soo jealous at how skinny she was, 6 foot tall and thinner than my theigh. the whole time I was jealous of her being so thin, she was jealous of me being fat. She couldn't put any weight on. Her doctors were harping on her because they thought she was anorexic, but she ate everything that wasn't nailed down. She hated having a super fast metabolism. The two of use became good friends and co-workers. She was the one that shook me out of my funk when i told her that I would never get a boyfriend(besides my attitude) because I was fat. She said "no, Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder but beauty is also only skin deep. You can't judge a book by it's cover, so how can you judge someone by their skin." and I had one (not great but we did share a love for a little while) boyfriend and he said the same, it's what's inside that counts and I'm sure if Tim reads this he'd say the same thing about you. you are beautiful to him no matter what you look like. We are all made in one way or another for a reason, and that reason isn't told to us, we must learn it as we go. I hear so many people pick on me because of my weight, and you know what? piss on them. They don't have anything better to do than to lower someone else's self esteem then they need a good swift kick off their high horse and they need to get a life and get over their own ego's and join the real world.
ReplyDeleteHey if you ever need someone to talk to, just text, message me or email me. I konw what you are going through, I've been through it already once myself!
And remember no human is ever perfect, you must be at peace with who you are, to be able to change what you want to change. And Tim loves you just the way you are, he won't think any different of you if you don't change.
I love you, always.
ReplyDelete