passion, justice, work and self-analyzation

I have often been accused of getting wildly upset at "nothing" or overreacting to what other people view as small annoyances. When I was a teenager, I classified anyone who balked at my passion/anger/obsessions as a-holes. I had no need for them. I could take zero criticism, be it constructive or destructive. As I have gotten older, gotten married, had a child, and been in the workforce for almost 10 years, I have begun to reevaluate my stance on being passionate. At work, my outrage over internal problems and mistakes and my intense dedication to doing everything perfectly, have widely gone ignored or severely underappreciated. At one temporary position I had right after college, I was actually fired for completing my tasks too quickly and asking for more to do! It seems that the people who get ahead are the butt-kissers who do as little work as possible and shove everything else on those around/below them. But it is not in my nature to be fake, lazy (at work at least), or careless. I am diligent in making sure I follow through all tasks to the end and making sure they are done RIGHT. Yet I and others like me are the most abused and underpaid. Where is the justice in that? I guess that's why they always say "life isn't fair"...

But getting riled up about it doesn't change the system, it just makes me look like an emotional wreck. And possibly get in trouble by complaining about the way things are to the wrong person. So the logical decision is to just clock in, clock out, work at a decent pace, do what is asked of me and never question anything. But what kind of life is that? Just thinking about my career in that way makes the world seem gray and empty, it sucks the life out of me, bit by bit. To quote the movie Wall-E, "I don't want to survive. I want to live!"

But what choice do I really have? I have to help provide for my family and pay my bills. I couldn't dream of ever having the capital to start my own business, and I don't even know what type of business I would like to run. I have too many bills to be able to just quit, and I would probably lose my mind as a stay at home mom anyway. So, I force myself to dial down the passion a few notches and just recently, I began taking an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication to keep my anger in check and lessen the frequency and depth to which I "bottom out" emotionally. I am hoping a reduction in mental anguish will help me cope in this cookie cutter world a little better, as my natural tendencies have not brought me very much success.

This whole thought process is depressing though. Why does the world, and this country especially, value those who follow the crowd over those with fresh vision and different perspectives? Why do we want everyone to be sheep who just fall in line? It makes me understand why people go crazy and live in the woods by themselves, or take their whole family and live on a farm in the middle of nowhere, totally "off the grid". The stress of the 9 -hours-a-day, 5-days-a-week work schedule is enough to put you in a mental institution after a few years. MANY MANY people have to be medicated to deal with this system, not just me. Doesn't that tell you how horrible the system itself really is?

On a related note, I find that the inability of people and institutions to admit they are wrong, is one of the biggest hindrances to effective change. I have experienced this on a personal level as well, and I am still working through it. You really can't stop and change to do something in a new way until you fully admit that the old way is not working. I wonder if our country will ever be able to get to that point politically and socially before the world ends... One of the hardest things for me about going on this new medicine was that I had to admit how much my emotional roller coaster was effecting the people around me, especially my husband and son. I let them down and passed my misery on to them countless times because I was so absorbed in it myself. Also, getting overly worked up over small frustrations really did hold me back, especially at work. For so long, I have been incapable of "picking my battles" - distinguishing between what is really worth fighting for/getting upset over, versus what is a serious problem.

I feel like I am always waging an internal war. One side of me says, "Yeah, bite their head off, they wronged you" and the other side says "it's not worth it, calm down". One side of me argues that my rage against people who behave dishonestly and viciously is righteously founded, while the other side knows that frequently the depth of my response is provoked by my own past pain and jealousy, not just the current circumstance.

My tendency for self-sabotage has long been more prevalent that I realized. By being obsessed with my own misery I avoided any possibility of greatness. Even just the attempt to be great is scary, because of the possibility of failure. Fear is such a powerful tool, the opposite of motivation. No wonder so many dictators have used it for so long. Turning it on yourself is even more effective (i.e. disastrous). I have also long feared love. My childhood was very rough and disappointing in many ways, and I have tried to avoid being so deeply hurt again as an adult. I never dated in high school, or even in college, and I often sought out temporary encounters in my early twenties. I have frequently created fights with friends over something stupid and I have let distance become an issue between us as way to erect a protective wall around myself. Jealousy has often played a key role, as well as low self esteem ("I don't deserve such a great guy or such a great friend").

I often been told that you can CHOOSE to be happy. In the past, I dismissed this as a ridiculous notion. But lately, I have been starting to understand, just a little bit, what that really means. I do have a hand in how my day goes, in how my life goes. I can choose where I place my energy and my focus. I can't control everything, but I can control some things, and use that to my advantage as much as possible. It is a strange realization, and daunting as well. It will be hard to change patterns of thinking and behavior that I have clung to for 30 years. But continuing on the depressing, destructive path I have been on for so long will only bring more misery and pain. It is time to start slowly climbing out of the darkness and into the light. It is time to begin loving myself, being positive, and allowing others to love me too. It is time to focus on the good things in my life and not treat every bad or stressful thing that happens like it is the end of the world. It is time to open my heart up to God again and stop resenting Him. It is time to believe that good things can happen for me, to believe that I can change and that I am not defined by my circumstances or what others think of me. I am good. I am talented. I am smart. I am special. I am worthy.