garbage in, garbage out

God and I have had a lot of fights over the years. Obviously, I have lost a lot of them. Well, I have chosen to "win" by doing the action he was telling me not to do, but of course I only brought suffering upon myself in the process. My mom can verify, this was pretty much a pattern with me from the age of two. For some reason, I came into this world fighting authority, always trying to prove that I was in charge. It really sucks when you finally realize that it's not true. It's very tiring too. I still lament the years I spent swimming against the tide when it came to God's direction for my life. It was a very big, miserable waste. I have been trying to do better, especially over this past year; to do more listening and less telling, more obeying and less fighting... But as I have mentioned before, it is very hard to change ingrained attitudes and habits that have been with me for 28 years. But I am trying.

Anyway, on to my original point here. One of the things I have struggled with the most pertaining to God and living a Christian lifestyle is music. I held onto music like a life raft for many many years, especially when I was a teenager, and when I was single after college. I remember in high school I used to wake up to a radio alarm and go to sleep listening to music every day. It was like a drug. I thought it helped me to just block out everything in life that I didn't want to deal with and just get lost in a certain song or a certain CD... I would play what fit my mood and just listen to it over and over again. But what I didn't realize was that listening to angry music from someone like Eminem, while somewhat cathartic, did more harm to me than good. It fueled the flame of my anger instead of helping to extinguish it, which it was I actually needed. Looking back, it was pretty stupid and counterproductive. Especially after God gave me a big fat slap in the face about the issue in 2002 - every single CD I owned was in a black case in my Jeep, parked in my apartment complex in Merritt Island. I came down one Saturday morning after a big, rowdy Friday night football game at Merritt Island High right next door, and my cd case and my portable cd player were gone. I went CRAZY. I was so depressed and upset and angry, not just about the cd's themselves, but the memories and the autographs and chorus cd's I couldn't replace and the MONEY that I had spent accumulating that collection. All of it, GONE, in the blink of an eye. But did I use this opportunity to sit back and think about the lesson I was being taught here? Of course not. I spent the next 7 years or so trying to recapture and replace what I had. But then, in 2009 I met Tim. With our wedding on the horizon and a baby on the way, my priorities changed and something had to give. I sold ALL of my CDs (and even some DVDs) to help pay for the wedding and buy baby things. Of course, we backed up all the music on the computer and transferred it to my MP3 player first, but still. WOW. It was hard to let go of those material possessions that had meant so much to me. But after a while of them being gone, I slowly stopped listening to music quite so much. Sometimes now I will get in the car for a 15 minute trip and don't even turn on any music. (Eek! Gasp!) But most of the time I now turn on Christian radio.

Ever since I started my new job in August and the stress and discontent has drastically lowered in my daily Monday-Friday life, I thought it would be a good idea to improve my mood/attitude each day even further by listening to positive, God-focused music. Now Christian radio has been an issue with me for quite a few years... When I lived with the (awesome) DeVault family one summer in college, it was all I heard. And my mom listens to it pretty much exclusively too. But it always used to bother me... it would somehow grate on my nerves in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on. Basically, I thought it was all sappy crap and I couldn't stand the repetition of what seemed like a 20 song loop. Rarely, I would tune in on a Saturday night and actually hear music I liked such as Skillet and DC Talk and P.O.D., but like I said, that was the RARE occasion. But lately, it has been starting to dawn on me that when my mother told me I should "choose" to be happy for all those years, she wasn't just spouting cliches. It's sort of like a sidekick to karma, I think: when you focus on good things and put good things out there in the world, good things come back to you. But not even just that, when you are focusing on the good things, you are less likely to be irritated by every little "bad" or annoying thing that happens in your day. So then you feel happier because you think bad things are not happening as much in your life anymore, but really life hasn't changed at all, you just remembered to put on your rose-colored glasses for a minute. Or rather for me, I finally put on the clear ones rather than the blue grumpy ones. By this point, most readers must be thinking I am an idiot, stating all of these obvious truths about life. But for me they are radical, amazing, brand-new ideas! I may be waaaay late getting some of this stuff, but at least I am getting it at all, right?

So back to music. Somehow, with the changes I have slowly been making in my life over the past couple of years, Christian music transformed from nails on a chalkboard to uplifting encouragement. I actually hear the words of the songs and take them in, rather than being annoyed by the lack of catchy refrains and pumped-up ROCK sound like I used to. Growing up is weird in so many ways, I swear. Another thing with music that I really feel God has told me is that the reason I never really excelled in singing or songwriting like I dreamt of doing is because I never gave it to Him. Deep down inside me somewhere, the talent is there, but it didn't blossom because I never tried to use that talent to glorify God. BAM! Harsh, God, harsh. I guess we all need harsh truth in our lives sometimes though, and as much as I tried to deny it, this one has definitely become evident for me. And that's in addition to the whole realization of "music is your idol - drop it" side of the equation. Yikes. It's been rough, I'll tell you.

Hopefully, you all can keep following me as I continue to chase this train of thought even further...

Over the past 6 months Tim and I have had the opportunity to visit many different friends and family members on weekend trips and such, which has been great. The one thing negative thing that stood out to me from every single visit, though, is the amount of TV being watched in those households. Not to say that I am going to start a campaign against TV or go all fundamentalist on my friends and relatives, but seriously - WTF? Tim and I cut off our cable a few months ago to save money, and the longer I go without TV, the more I am glad we did it. I makes me feel like a zombie to sit around in a house where the TV is on constantly, even when it is not really being watched. I can't take it anymore. I start to feel like I can't breathe. I need trees and sunshine and fresh air in my life, and I need the darn OCEAN too (but alas, it is much too far away from Greenville). Also, just as music is now becoming an edifying part of my life instead of a destructive force, so too is lack of TV. I am not watching ridiculous relationship soap operas anymore or looking at actresses all the time that stir up my inner jealousy monster or sitting on the couch like a fat blob doing nothing every night. I am playing more actively with Logan and participating more in my own life whereas I used to just have an attitude of giving up - "there's never enough time to get everything done around the house so I will just sit here and do nothing." Now I am not saying that those of you who watch a lot of TV are inept multi-taskers like me, or that you are bad parents or spouses or housekeepers, like I was. But for me, those bad habits and TV watching went hand in hand. It was a hard habit to break, but ended up being so freeing. My husband and I do watch a few shows on Netflix here and there (read: 3 per week, max) and I turn on an episode of Backyardigans for Logan once or twice a week, but that's it. We play or read books or go to the park more, especially on the weekends, and Logan is happier with the change and so am I. You may want to give it a try at your house too. Just once or twice a week, don't turn on the TV in the evening and focus on spending quality time with your family - and see what happens. Get creative with your time instead of falling into the same old routine. Again, a simple truth that finally made it's way through the dense Mickie stubbornness and took effect, to great reward.

Another thing I have stopped doing in recent times is reading trashy publications such as romance novels, Cosmo and other magazines, etc. I am by no means perfect, but it has really helped me to stop and think, "How will the information and ideas in this work affect my mood or improve/degrade my life?" I have always been a person who absorbs external influences like a sponge, and I am finally starting to see that I have control over how many of those influences are negative. Granted, i am not perfect. OMG! on yahoo (celebrity news/gossip) is still one of my guilty pleasures, as is watching veronica mars, but I keep them to a minimum and I am aware of my limits. I pay more attention to how things affect my mood and my temper and I stop them when they get to the point of being a bad influence. It's a never-ending journey of self-improvement and self-awareness, but also of being more aware of the needs of my family and placing them above my own, too.

A final note about all this, with the use of cliches: you really do reap what you sow, you only get out of something what you put into it, and every journey begins with a single step. Also, an important word from Yoda that I am TRYING to live by when it comes to improving my life: "Do or do not, there is no try." I really hope that, one step at a time, I am starting to put more good out there into the world than bad and therefore bringing more good into my life and the lives of the people I know and love.

Daycare Nation

As usual, this post has been floating around in my head for weeks... let's hope it types out as good as it sounds in my head!


So, the title of this post is "Daycare Nation". Let me try to explain. To be clear, I would classify myself as approximately 25% feminist, 75% traditionalist. It is my belief that the feminist movement as a whole has been detrimental to American families. Granted, I do want to be treated equally as a human being with intelligence and skillful abilities (hence the 25%), but many of my God-given talents and responsibilities lay at home with my family. Since the 70's there has been a steady increase in the number of moms who work outside the home full-time. I personally see a correlation with this statistic and the rise of fast food consumption, obesity and divorce. At first, this was a choice; women wanted to prove that were just as smart and as capable as men (which of course we are) and they did prove it. But what happened was that all the other things women used to take care of regularly at home started being farmed out to strangers, such as the making of meals and the care of children. Combine that with the constant sense of rush and urgency that permeates our national culture and you can see the snowball effect that developed, and the strain this whole situation puts on marriages and families.

Now, here we are 40 years later trapped in the system. Ok, so maybe not trapped exactly, but that's certainly what it feels like to me. With all of the idiotic bills I racked up before I met my husband (read: credit cards and car loan), it made it so that Tim and I began our life together under a small mountain of debt. Therefore, I HAD to keep working. This is still the situation, even though luckily for the first time in years I have finally found a job that I actually enjoy going to, that doesn't feel like indentured servitude. But the debt is still there. We have talked a few times about me possibly quitting work in a couple years when we have a lot of debt paid off, and staying home with the kid(s). But then I think about how frustrated I get with Logan sometimes and I worry I would go crazy having to take care of him 24/7. Then again, I wouldn't be all tired and stressed from work every day when I pick him up, and I wouldn't be rushing to get some junky quick dinner on the table every night because I would have time to prepare a healthier variety of meals and do more planned, organized grocery shopping. Hmmm...

So this leads me back to the topic of Obesity. I know what you're thinking: even though I work I could find a way to eat healthier at dinnertime. Yes, you're probably right. But dinner isn't even the worst part of the working mother lifestyle. The real cornerstone is BREASTFEEDING. One of the main NECESSITIES of life that has taken a backseat to convenience. Formula is not "just like breastmilk," I don't care what the labels say. If you want your kid to grow up healthy, strong, and not overweight, they need to be breastfed. The use of formula and bottles kills all the natural instincts babies have to stop eating when they are full and to work for their food. And it distances the bond between mother and child. Not even to mention all the benefits the mom misses out on hormonally and otherwise. I know this from what I have read and heard from other mothers, and especially from my own experience with my son. Let me explain...

Within 24 hours of Logan being born his bilirubin(jaundice) levels were creeping up excessively and it was discovered that he was "Koom's positive" which is basically the opposite of RH disease... instead of my body wanting to get rid of him in the womb, his body wanted to get rid of anything having to do with ME after he was born. Therefore, Logan was admitted to the NICU, where he stayed for 5 days. He laid on a special light blanket and had two different special UV lights on top of him to keep his jaundice from getting out of control. And basically the only way to get the jaundice out of his little body was through the liver: i.e. he had to pee and poop it out. To that end, the doctor told the nurses to give Logan tiny bottles of similac formula, even if he had breastfed already, to make sure he was eating as much as possible and consequently excreting as much as possible. I had no idea the doctor ordered the nurses to do this and I was kind of shocked about it, but in the madness of it all, I just went along with it because I just wanted my baby to get well and come home. Thus began the rapid nosedive of mine and Logan's breastfeeding relationship.

Because I began pumping right away at 3 hour intervals instead of nursing my baby at 1-2 hour intervals, my milk supply did not come in very well at first. It seemed like I never had enough to feed Logan to make him full. Then, he would get frustrated because he was a voracious eater (do to being OVERFED in the NICU) plus he hated having to work hard for his food when he knew if he screamed enough he could get a bottle and things would be much easier. We struggled for about two weeks and then I had a mental breakdown and I couldn't do it anymore. So I began pumping round the clock and we gave Logan the pumped breastmilk via bottles until I absolutely gave out due to fatigue when he was 7 months old. I did the best I could with pumping in a stressful, unsupported work environment and keeping it up for 7 months, but it still makes me so angry. It shouldn't have been so hard and so complicated. Breastfeeding should be the natural way to do things. And I should have had more than 6 weeks after his birth (and so should all new mothers) in order to nurture that mother/child bonding and breastfeeding relationship. To this day, Logan still overeats constantly... I try to give him proper portions, but he whines and screams for more at almost every meal. Overeating the first 5 days of his life has followed him to 15 months old... and I am terrified of him continuing to be overweight his whole life because of it.

So back to my original topic... daycare nation. Many working moms try to pump like I did, but many of them give up much sooner. And I do understand why: It is easier to just send a bottle of formula with your child to daycare and mix one at night than have to go through all the trouble of pumping at work and storing the breastmilk properly and keeping up your supply and being the only one to get up in the middle of the night for months on end because you are THE food source. I get it. But in the long run, look what it is doing to our children and our society as a whole. We act like hiring strangers to take care of our children and feeding our them synthetic garbage is okay and normal, but it is not. Mothers being away from their tiny young children for more than 8 hours a day is NOT NORMAL. Obese children are not normal. Depressed, angry, stressed out parents who barely see their children for 2 or 3 waking hours per day should not be the norm for our nation's families.

BUT HOW DO WE BREAK OUT OF THE CYCLE? Do we sell most of our possessions and live in the cheapest crummy apartment we can find and go down from two cars to one? Will trading "busy stress" only be an exchange for "boredom stress" from being stuck around the house with the kids all the time with no money to do anything fun? Would I go crazy from no longer finding a sense of purpose and prosperity in my career? Am I a good enough mother to actually do well for my child by staying home? Could I even handle it? Could I be frugal enough to help my family survive on only one income??

I don't know. I don't know how to fix everything, but I am praying God will show me how to do what is best for my family, because right now I feel totally stuck in limbo. I am excited about my new job that is such a better environment for me, but I still feel guilty every single day when I rush Logan out the door and drop him off at daycare. I know the current system is broken, I have just got to figure out how to fix it. Will you help me??

Negativity/Positivity/Selfishness/God

To begin, I apologize for my delay in posting. I must have started this post a half dozen times before finally getting it written. I do hope that you all enjoy it, now that it is finally here, but I will warn you, it is very personal and very long. So be prepared. ;) 

Many of you who have known me for a while know that I have always struggled with anger issues. Especially as a teenager and even into my college years I had severe problems with controlling my anger and would BLOW UP and scream and yell at people all the time, especially those closest to me. I have also struggled with depression for many years (undiagnosed of course), which reached its worst point during the first few months after my son was born. I have always felt that this is a major weakness that should be controlled and hidden from "polite society" but have found it very hard to do so, as I have a very outgoing/expressive personality by nature. I have been told many times in my life that I just need to "focus on the positive" and "don’t sweat the small stuff, etc." but I have found those mantras EXTREMELY difficult to live by. I have felt at times that being happy was absolutely impossible. It was always a goal that was unachievable. And pretending to be happy when I am not goes against my very core nature. I just can't do it. 

This has affected my attitude for many years. I have been bitter, angry and very jealous, especially of other women around me... those who have been more successful in their careers, had boyfriends or husbands long before I did, are prettier, thinner... girls who are everything I am not. And all this focus on others and my shortcomings served to manifest itself in the continuation of my failures and depression. Slowly, VERY slowly, since meeting my wonderful husband Tim and having a child and being forced to GROW UP a little bit over the past couple of years, I have finally begun to see how futile hating myself is. All of this anger that has been burning inside me for so long is only killing me. Nobody owes me anything, no extra consideration or sympathy; everyone has some type of hardship in their lives, even the pretty, skinny, rich girls (however hard this may be to admit to myself). Nobody is going to wave a magic wand and "fix" me and make me beautiful and confident and perfect. I will never be perfect. I have to work with the few talents I do have and make something happen for myself. I have to appreciate the family and friends and the life that I do have. I have to focus on the positive. As my husband reminds me often, positive breeds positive. And I really hate to admit for the one thousandth time that he is right. But later in this post, I will give you my recent, concrete example of how this is true.

Over the past 2 months, Tim and I have been attending a local church here in Greenville. Since we met over two years ago we have been saying we need to go to church together, and we have gone here and there, but not very regularly until now. One of the hardest reasons was because Sunday is usually the only day off during the week that we have together. Most weeknights and Saturdays I am lucky to see my husband for 3 hours in the evening, if at all. So we didn't want to miss a moment of our "day off" time together. But for a while I had been feeling the "pull" that I personally needed to go, so finally a couple months ago, I said, "I am going, with or without you," and we have been going about every other week since then. It is somewhat of a hassle getting Logan ready and making sure we all have breakfast and are bathed and dressed and out the door on time, but once Tim and I settle in at the service (and Logan in the nursery), it is all worth it.I have missed worship time so much and I have missed having a church family. 

I was a member of First Baptist Eau Gallie in Florida from age 12 to 25 and it was really hard to get adjusted up here in SC, especially after failing pretty miserably at keeping up attendance while being away at college for four years. In that time, the church grew tremendously and I lost touch with many of the people I knew there. I went back after college quite a few times, but felt sort of like a stranger in my own home and it never really clicked with me again. And then I moved away... even now, I don't really know anybody at Southside Fellowship either, but finally a light bulb has turned on and I am going not have "fellowship" time with friends and look good as a churchgoer, or going just out of habit, but I am going to build up my relationship with God and to put myself in a better mental and emotional state every week - to be grounded. To have proper focus in my life again... or maybe, for the first time. I am finally realizing that, no, I am not the center of the universe. No, God is not eternally punishing me by making me fat and ugly and forcing me to have a string of unrewarding jobs. It is not about me, it is about HIM and the people around me.

I never realized until recently how ridiculously self-absorbed I have always been. I would pray asking God why he made me so broken and awful, why I couldn't be prettier or have a better career or have a boyfriend and on and on and on. Never did my prayers focus on Him and what I could do for others. Never did my life focus on Him and helping others. I have an extremely bad habit of always thinking about what I want and how I want things to be done without stopping first to think, "what would my husband enjoy doing today?" or "how could I make my mom's day better today?"... It honestly never even occurred to me. I was so wrapped up in the festering pain and hatred inside myself that I could not stop for two seconds to look at what I was doing TO (and not doing FOR) the people in my life that I claimed to love. I think I am finally beginning to understand the true nature of love for the first time. It's a good thing God sent me a husband who is far better than I ever deserved to help teach me that.


So back to the "positive breeds positive" mantra of Tim. Since we have been going to church regularly, we have also finally begun to tithe. We haven't done the exact "10 percent" rule and not every week, but we have given what we can, when we go, and especially made sure to give more when extra money came our way. And now, the blessings just keep coming! In one week's time last month when we were somewhat "pinched" financially, Tim got a bonus check, a looong awaited tax refund came in, and I got a bonus check at work too, which I never expected in a million years. It was amazing! And then, last week, I got a call out of the blue from a company that found my resume online and wanted to interview me. I ACED the interview and they offered me the job the very next day! I start in two weeks!! This is after two and a half YEARS of searching for something really good here in SC and after interviewing with what felt like DOZENS of staffing agencies and applying to HUNDREDS of jobs online and revamping my resume ten times and hoping and waiting and torturing myself over it. I finally let go and turned my focus to where it should have been all along, and look what happened. God is so good.


So in addition to all of this, last week I began a weight loss/get healthy endeavor with my husband, my mom, my sister and a few friends. For the first time, truthfully, I am actually cutting back, counting calories a bit, and trying to be more physically active. I have said that I have tried to lose weight in the past, but my heart was never really in it. This time, it feels very different. I am not putting that pressure on myself where I have to lose weight fast or I beat myself up and sabotage any good I have done by binging at the first sign of trouble. I am not afraid anymore. I will not call myself a failure and give up just for eating one cookie. I am going to do this as well as I can, but I am still going to LIVE and enjoy an indulgent meal now and then. And when I mess up, I will just get over it and start again tomorrow. This time, my goals are simple: I want to be healthy enough to stick around a long time to enjoy life with my family and friends; I want to be a good example for Logan; I want to be healthy enough to someday get pregnant again; I just want to FEEL BETTER, physically and mentally, and this plan will help with both I think. 

So I hope my little TMI entry hasn't scared anyone off from reading my blog. But I am writing what I know, and that is this truth. Of course, every day is a struggle to live by what I am learning. Every day I still have to train myself to re-focus and be positive and be loving and to think about others more than myself. It is REALLY, REALLY HARD. But I know it is the right thing to do and I know that it is rewarding in so many ways. Thank you, to all of my friends and family, who have stuck by me when I have been the biggest jerk on the planet so many times. All I can tell you now is that I have seen the error of my ways and I am trying to do better, one step at a time.